September 5, 2010

Deep Breath…

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:48 am by winter10

A lot has been going on lately. Good things, bad things. They always come at the same time, don’t they?

Good things:

I started WORKing out on a regular basis at a gym and at home, with a group of people that encourage and inspire me. These people are so strong (physically and mentally) and push me to be stronger. They are so great and I’m so glad I’m a part of this group. So glad, in fact, that I joined the Beachbody team to be a coach to others that need/want encouraged, advice, and just someone to push them to be a better person. I hope to get my business up and running soon! In the meantime, I’m just leaving little notes of encouragement where I can.

I’ve also been very aware of what I’ve been eating lately. As a friend of mine put it “you can’t WORK off a bad diet”. I realized that before when I was WORKing out, but eating whatever I wanted, that I wasn’t losing weight; I was just maintaining. I made a conscious decision to eat better, and since the end of June to now, I’ve lost 4 pounds. My clothes are fitting better and I feel better.

Bad things:

I CAN’T STOP PULLING. UGH. I hate it so much. I have a bald spot on the back of my head, now, and still don’t have eyelashes or eyebrows. I hate having to watch when I wipe the sweat off of my face at the gym, that I don’t wipe off my make-up. I hate that I can’t just wake up and go somewhere. I hate that this new-found determination I have to go to the gym and WORKout isn’t transposing into my pulling. Even just the wanting to feel better and be a better person physically isn’t having an effect. I don’t understand it.

And this is making me mad at myself for not being as close to God. I feel like if my relationship to God were stronger, closer, I would be able to call upon His strength easier (?) and overcome this more often. I don’t know if His purpose is for me to ever get over this. Maybe it’s a way for Him to make sure I always turn to Him. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I would turn to God as often if I didn’t have trich. I hate admitting that, but it’s true. I need to overcome this laziness and stubbornness to get closer to Him again.

So there’s my update. Tomorrow morning is church. I’ve not been in a while and there’s no excuse. I’m going to be closer to my God and there’s nothing that’s going to stop me!

An excerpt from “Pearls: Meditations on Recovery From Hair-Pulling and Skin-Picking” by Christina Pearson

Where do I want to be?

Today this is a good question; where DO I want to be?

I used to think that if I stopped pulling and picking, life would be perfect.

I wanted to never again be bothered by these behaviors.

Today I understand that thinking along those lines is fantastical, as the pulling and picking are not truly my biggest problems.

They just seem like it, as they are at the forefront of my awareness most of the time.

Today I realize my biggest problems are about being comfortable with my process, in my own skin and emotions. Acceptance of how things are, not how I wish them to be.

Today I want to be true to where I am right now, this will prepare me for my next step.

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