Inspiration

Now that we’ve redone the bathroom, I’ve become a little stuck as to the other rooms in the house. I’m starting to get inspired, but it hasn’t come together as the bathroom did just yet. For my “library” room, I’m thinking of a light lilac/grey color with vintage-y accents. And as far as the guest room, I don’t know what color scheme to go with, but I have an idea of the furniture and accessories. I’m just going around on etsy, google and other sites looking for inspiration. It’s hard because I like so many styles that I don’t want my house to not have any flow. It can be so frustrating! I need direction!

Also, a while ago in amish country, I picked up a bunch of old keys. I have them packed away but I want to do something with them. Any ideas?

New Bathroom

Derek and I re-did our bathroom last weekend. Now it’s the only room in the house with any color and character. I can’t wait to work on the rest of the house, but it’s so awkwardly laid out, that I’m having trouble trying to decorate it. I wish someone could just come in with all the answers! I know a few things I want to do to get started, but they’re big things (i.e. rip up all the carpet and put down dark hard wood floors) and we can’t afford it right now.

Anyway, this bathroom was in my head for a while so it’s nice to have it come to life.

Before: Beige and Boring 

After: Classic and finished

I need to do this more often…

Ok so I need a new laptop. I love the idea of lounging on the couch or in bed and blogging. I honestly think I would do this everyday if I could go anywhere in the house. It’s not comfortable to blog down here! So I will start the Buy-Winter-A-New-Laptop-For-Christmas campaign.

Anyway, I’ve been wanting to watch “Obsessed” since it premiered and I haven’t yet. Not on purpose, I just really haven’t caught it. Now I’m watching it. The closest thing I could watch with any sense of familiarity was “Intervention” because it involved some sort of addiction or compulsion. Now this is more specific to OCD and I’m very happy that they’ve chosen to put more light on the subject. Even when people deal with different forms of OCD (i.e. hand-washing, rituals, fears), it all boils down to the same concept and the same wants, and feelings.

And I share those feelings.

I know those feelings.

I feel those feelings.

I hate the fact that I can’t hold a motivation or an inspiration for long periods of time. Do you know what I mean? Like I feel motivated to do something and I get a natural high. And for a while I do what it is I’m motivated to do. But only for a while. Why can’t I make something like that a permanent change? Why don’t I have the STRENGTH? It’s easier to be lazy and just do the easy thing even if it makes me unhappy. I have to WORK to be happy. I have to THINK about what I’m doing at all times to make sure I don’t pull and in doing so I think about pulling! If I don’t think about pulling, I won’t pull, right? Wrong. I do it without thinking.

If you’re getting dizzy reading this, try living it.

I’m lazy and weak. I don’t want to work for what I want. I want it to come naturally and easily. And of course it doesn’t. But I’d rather not work on it and be unhappy than work and be utterly and completely happy. So I pull because it’s easier to let go and pull than it is to keep myself from it. I hate how it controls me. I hate how it controls my happiness. But I don’t seem to want it bad enough to work at it. And I hate that too.

Anyway, I feel negative and dizzying but I need it out of my head.

February already

How is it possible that time passes so quickly when we need more of it, but when we have extra, we can’t get rid of it fast enough? The wedding is fast approaching and while I feel ready with the arrangements (for the most part), I don’t feel really ready physically. Why am I harder on myself when I’m making progress and fine when I’m back at the beginning for the millionth time in 13 years. 13 years. More than half of my life. I want to beat this so bad.

I hate dwelling on it. I feel like I have so much to say but no energy to get it all out. I wish I had a laptop. It’s depressing down here in the cold basement with no windows and a hard chair.

Why is it that when I want to be vocal and thoughtful, my thoughts are all sad? Why can’t I go on and on aimlessly about something happy? Like the ocean. I wish we lived by the ocean. In New England, though, not on the beach. There’s no crash on the beaches. Not like on the rocks. Every time is a crash. I loved going there with my family; everyone, youngest to oldest, would find a spot to sit and just watch. And listen. No matter what, we had that place. I can’t wait to share it with Derek. I know it’s something he’ll appreciate like I do. I’m excited to do new things with him, and to introduce him to things I know and have experienced. I can’t wait until we can sleep with the windows open and the smell of the ocean…an unusual smell, but one that brings with it so much peace. I can’t wait to fall asleep in his arms by the ocean.

Freaking out

Today was a very stressful day. And it hasn’t really calmed down much yet. I got back into planning the wedding and I feel SOOOO behind. I feel like there are a TON of little things to do and no time to do them in. Usually I thrive on doing the little things, but everytime I think of something, it makes me think of something else until I have 25 things on my to-do list.

I cleaned the house tonight. The carpet was driving me crazy. But we have an amazing sweeper, so yay for that. I’m doing laundry right now so I have stuff to wear to work this week. That probably won’t be done until late. And I have yet to work out tonight, which I am actually looking forward to because I feel like I have all this anxious energy and that would be the perfect place to let it all out.

Through it all, though, I haven’t had any pulling binges. A few months ago, or a few years ago, it would have been all over. I would have pulled for hours on end. But not these days. I have other ways to let the stress out; like cleaning or working out or just going to Derek.

Usually writing helps me calm down and get the thoughts that are swirling uncontrollably in my head down on “paper” so I no longer have to wig out, but I still feel very jittery. A few times today I thought I was going to have a panic attack. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one and I don’t look forward to another one at all. I just want to get a few more things done so that I feel like I’m being productive and actually having fun. I almost feel like I’m rushing through this, like I’m running in place, I feel almost out of breath.

STRENGTH Quote of the Day: “Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true STRENTGH.”  ~Unknown

Friday…thank goodness

I want to listen to P.O.D.’s “Alive”. I love how that song makes me feel. Very happy. I’m happy right now. I’m in a battle and I have to accept that I’m not just going to all of a sudden win…just yet. And that’s ok. Because it took me 14 years to get to where I am and it won’t take overnight to undo it. But I’m trying and I’m doing good. It’s ok to be battling as long as I try. I think of the positive. It used to be a lot worse. I really have progressed! I need to concentrate on that!

I want to go get my jammies on, get hot chocolate and cuddle with my puppy. It’s so cold out! I can’t stand it! I took this picture, though, while I was driving home (a la Amber) because I really liked the color of the sky. Lately I’ve fallen in LOVE with this gray/purple color and I just liked the sky. Lately I’ve noticed that the sky during the evening is soooo pretty. The colors are always different but they’re gorgeous. So here you go…

STRENGTH Quote of the Day: “Concentration is the secret of STRENGTH.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Progress

Ok, (I notice I always start with “ok” or “so”. Sorry ’bout that. I guess I just like starting as if I’m in the middle of the conversation. Just go with it.) so today was a good day. I got some training at work done. I came home and worked out again. I like this workout a lot. It kicked my @$$ at the gym so I asked Derek to get it for me for Christmas! Thanks baby! My goal is to do a big self-makeover around Valentine’s Day. I really do need to set a date though! I guess it’ll be Feb. 14th. Why not? Anyway, I want to do the whole thing: tan, hair/highlights, mani, pedi…yay! I really feel like I can actually reach this goal! My new year’s resolution is usually to stop pulling. It’s been that way for the last ump-teen years. This year is different: I want to take care of my body. A more general statement, maybe, but it actually seems like an easier goal to go after.

Today was my “one month [work] anniversary”. It’s hard to believe. I feel like I started last week! Julie-squared (Julie B and Julie W) have been a WONDERFUL help and I’m so thankful to have them to turn to!

STRENGTH Quote of the Day: “STRENGTH is the ability to break a chocolate bar into 4 pieces with your bare hands–and then eat just one of those pieces.”  ~Judith Viorst

Untitled

Today was a good day because:

• I didn’t work out this morning BUT I didn’t skip out–I worked out this evening and I really liked the video that I did! I’m pumped!
• I got a lot done and out of the way at work
• I made it home safe without it taking 2 hours to do
• I ate right

And all of this STRENGTHens me to want to end the day right.

STRENGTH Quote of the Day: “STRENGTH does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your STRENGTHs. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is STRENGTH.”  ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

Weakness

I hate that word. Every time I hear it, I automatically take it personally. And today I felt weak. I’m just trying to feel it in a way that not completely destructive to my goal–just realistic and encouraging. I didn’t work out; I was too tired. I pulled, which I’m never proud of, but especially at this stage when everything seems to be growing so well.

I remember a sermon where the pastor said that the closer you try to become to God, the harder the devil tries to win you over. Well I feel that. Everytime I get really far with what I’m doing (mostly, when I don’t pull for a long time), I suddenly get struck and end up back where I was…and that much further away from God. I hate it.

Anyway, today was pretty uneventful. Work, home, eat, tv. Such is my life during the week. I really need to come home and just go into my own little room and pray. I can’t focus at all usually. I just need to pray and really talk out loud about what I need to do. Tonight I’ll go to bed. Tomorrow is a brand new day. A brand new start where today doesn’t matter and doesn’t mean anything.

STRENGTH Quote of the Day: “If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes.”  ~Corrie TenBoom

Just Another Manic Monday…woahoowoah

So today was probably the best Monday I’ve had since starting my new job. Ha! It’s been great, but today was quiet and that’s fine with me. I woke up thinking STRENGTH and right away noticed the things I was being strong about. I woke up at 5:30am to work out and didn’t succeed in talking myself out of it. Then, not only did I just wake up to work out, I actually worked out. So those few things, before it was even 7am, made me feel a little better. Encouraged. So I’m gonna run with it.

STRENGTH Quote of the Day: “Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”  ~Og Mandino