November 10, 2010
New Blog Site!
Hey two of you that read this….I have a new blog. I’m sorry, but WordPress is frustrating and I couldn’t figure out how to use it. SOoooOOO…my new site is:
http://coachwinter.blogspot.com
So go check it out!!!!
September 10, 2010
Battle
I’m in a battle and for some reason, I just really realized it. Satan is scared. I’m attempting to deepen my relationship with God and quit pulling. And Satan’s trying his hardest to stop me.
The day I decided to really dig into Beth Moore’s book “Breaking Free” was the day it was due back at the library because someone else wanted it. So I don’t have it anymore, but I ordered it and it’s on its way. A slight setback, but an obvious one. It must be a good book. 
I’ve been sick the last few days and being weak physically usually goes hand-in-hand with mental weakness. When I’m not strong mentally, I tend to pull more and get lazy. I’ve actually been doing ok, though. Much better than a few years ago.
I just went back through my Bible study notebook and highlighted some phrases that I like and/or hit me really hard. I’m a list-writer, so here you go:
~”As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when all was said and done, I’d sit on that side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life.”
~”In daily living, Beloved, strength comes from muscle, and muscle develops with a WORKout. This is as true spiritually as physically. What we don’t use, we lose.”
~”We must catch the Enemy in the act, call it what it is, and keep from him what he wants.”
~”Because Satan has a limited leash where believers are concerned, his most powerful tactics are psychological. Though he can’t possess our minds, he profoundly and destructively influences our thoughts.”
~”Satan has a theory that he’s banked his entire accuser’s career on: Even the strong grow weak. True enough, but this, Beloved One, is also true: Even the weak grow strong if they set their minds to it.”
Yeah, he’s putting up a fight. I’m growing stronger, but I’m still struggling. I need to get my mind set on God so that He is the first one I go to, almost instinctively (but not to be confused with “out of habit” as that implies thoughtlessness) in times of trouble.
On the other hand, where Satan has come out, so has God (as if there was any doubt). My good friend, Kathleen, who shares my pulling disease, messaged me out of nowhere to ask how I was doing. Once I’m done with my Esther Bible study, I’m going to be rejoining my best friends Julie and Steph on another leg of our journey together.
So I’m in a battle right now, but when aren’t we?
September 8, 2010
Purposeful
So for a while there, I was wondering and praying to God what my HIS purpose is for my pulling. (Still wondering, but I haven’t really concentrated on it in a while. Shame on me.) Well, I was doing my Esther bible study tonight (by Beth Moore), something struck me to the point that I actually turned my head as if someone has slapped me.
“At strategic times of internal war I stop and ask myself, ‘What if this is a crucial moment? What if this very thing, this very decision, is the most important piece of the puzzle comprising my purpose?’
God has profoundly used the conviction that those heightened times of decision in my toughest trials could be ‘make it or break it’ moments in my desitny. Much like Mordecai suggested, I always knew God would accomplish His will and do what He intended, but if I made a man-ward (vs. Godward) decision, I’d be left out of a divine loop that would eventually mean everything to me.
Beloved, in the times of greatest struggle, when you make the Godward decision over convenience, earthly comfort, or carnal pleasure, you too have come to a critical moment in the fulfillment of your destiny. A defining moment. A war is being waged over your head in the unseen realm, and a great cloud of witnesses is cheering you on. You have no idea what’s at stake.”
God is going to accomplish His goal with or without me. But if I choose to satisfy mySELF instead of Him, I’ll miss out on the lessons and the gifts He has for me if I succeed. And those will be more important than anything else I can imagine.
I can’t blow this opportunity. I need to suffer in discomfort and anxiety to see what glory is on the other side. It WILL be worth it.
September 5, 2010
Deep Breath…
A lot has been going on lately. Good things, bad things. They always come at the same time, don’t they?
Good things:
I started WORKing out on a regular basis at a gym and at home, with a group of people that encourage and inspire me. These people are so strong (physically and mentally) and push me to be stronger. They are so great and I’m so glad I’m a part of this group. So glad, in fact, that I joined the Beachbody team to be a coach to others that need/want encouraged, advice, and just someone to push them to be a better person. I hope to get my business up and running soon! In the meantime, I’m just leaving little notes of encouragement where I can.
I’ve also been very aware of what I’ve been eating lately. As a friend of mine put it “you can’t WORK off a bad diet”. I realized that before when I was WORKing out, but eating whatever I wanted, that I wasn’t losing weight; I was just maintaining. I made a conscious decision to eat better, and since the end of June to now, I’ve lost 4 pounds. My clothes are fitting better and I feel better.
Bad things:
I CAN’T STOP PULLING. UGH. I hate it so much. I have a bald spot on the back of my head, now, and still don’t have eyelashes or eyebrows. I hate having to watch when I wipe the sweat off of my face at the gym, that I don’t wipe off my make-up. I hate that I can’t just wake up and go somewhere. I hate that this new-found determination I have to go to the gym and WORKout isn’t transposing into my pulling. Even just the wanting to feel better and be a better person physically isn’t having an effect. I don’t understand it.
And this is making me mad at myself for not being as close to God. I feel like if my relationship to God were stronger, closer, I would be able to call upon His strength easier (?) and overcome this more often. I don’t know if His purpose is for me to ever get over this. Maybe it’s a way for Him to make sure I always turn to Him. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I would turn to God as often if I didn’t have trich. I hate admitting that, but it’s true. I need to overcome this laziness and stubbornness to get closer to Him again.
So there’s my update. Tomorrow morning is church. I’ve not been in a while and there’s no excuse. I’m going to be closer to my God and there’s nothing that’s going to stop me!
An excerpt from “Pearls: Meditations on Recovery From Hair-Pulling and Skin-Picking” by Christina Pearson
Where do I want to be?
Today this is a good question; where DO I want to be?
I used to think that if I stopped pulling and picking, life would be perfect.
I wanted to never again be bothered by these behaviors.
Today I understand that thinking along those lines is fantastical, as the pulling and picking are not truly my biggest problems.
They just seem like it, as they are at the forefront of my awareness most of the time.
Today I realize my biggest problems are about being comfortable with my process, in my own skin and emotions. Acceptance of how things are, not how I wish them to be.
Today I want to be true to where I am right now, this will prepare me for my next step.
June 21, 2010
Make your own Reusable Dryer Sheet!
Lately I’ve been trying to do things around the house that will help us become more “green”. I bought reusable grocery bags, for example. My future plans include growing a few veggies and herbs, getting a clothes line, and using a facial wash and cloth instead of the individual cloths I use right now.
One of my magazines had a tip about using a reusable dryer sheet instead of using the individual ones that you have to throw away after each load. When I googled “reusable dryer sheets”, a hit popped up that said “How to Make Your Own Reusable Dryer Sheet”! What??!! Can there be an easier way? I was reluctant to buy these online without really knowing how well they were going to work. Sure there were reviews, but they were mixed and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend the money, or try a few other things first.
Well this is going to be my first try! And here are the SUPER EASY instructions for how to do it (courtesy of eHow.com)! I’ll let you know how it goes!
1. Fill a spray bottle half full of liquid fabrc softener. Fill the spray bottle the rest of the way with water.
2. Find an old, worn washcloth around the house, or a dish rag. You might want to dig up a couple of old rags to keep in your laundry room with the spray bottle of fabric softener. Make sure that the rags are clean before moving onto step three.
3. After transferring clothes from the washing machine to the dryer, take the spray bottle and give one of the clean rags a few spritzes of the fabric softener and water mixture. Three or four spritzes should be enough, but if you aren’t happy with the results, use a couple more next time.
4. Toss the sprayed rag on top of your clothing and dry as you would normally.
5. Spray the rag again before drying each load, and wash each rag after four to five uses.
I hope this works! I really want to cut back on the use of individual dryer sheets. And my grocery bill!!!
A good start
So the last few days have been pretty good. I’ve been eating healthy (salads for lunch, fruit and cottage cheese as snacks, scrambled egg whites and wheat toast for breakfast), walking every night (or morning) with the neighbors, reading good stuff….just doing things that make me feel good. So yay for that.
I think that when I stay busy concentrating on eating right, when I’m going to walk, and making small “green” changes throughout the house, I don’t have time to think about pulling. Of course, that’s not a cure-all, but it sure does seem to be helping.
My main question to God lately has been “what is your purpose for my pulling?” How am I supposed to use this? Am I supposed to write a book? Am I supposed to start a support group? Am I supposed to start a group at church? I don’t think I’ve really ever asked God anything like this before. I mean, something of which I need to really truly listen for an answer. I’m not sure what to expect, what to listen for. I envy certain friends that feel God “pulling” (ironic term, considering) them in certain directions. I want that. I just want the certainty that I’m hearing God and not myself.
So I’m off to start my week and I feel good. And I feel motivated. I pray that I don’t lose this feeling, as I often do. I haven’t learned the secret…wait…yes I have:
“Remain in me, and I will remain in you.”
Got it.
June 17, 2010
Pearls
I couldn’t sleep last night, so I took to my handy-dandy netbook and surfed the net. I hadn’t stopped by the trichotillomania website in a while and thought, ‘why not check and see if there have been any updates?’
www.trich.org is the TLC (Trichotillomania Learning Center) website, created by Christina Pearson in 1991. Usually they have news of upcoming retreats that sound wonderful, but are always far away and often expensive. On the other hand, I have signed up to obtain literature that I mail out to hair salons and doctor’s offices hoping to bring awareness to the issue. (It’s free to do so!)
Last night I noticed a new item on the home page; a book that Ms. Pearson wrote called “Pearls: Meditations on Recovery From Hair Pulling & Skin Picking”. (Chronic Skin Picking, or CSP, is often associated with trichotillomania.) The website includes two excerpts from the book and one of them struck me pretty hard. (I’ll copy/paste it below.) I ordered it right away (it’s only $15!) and I can’t wait for it to get here! Now we’ve all seen the “rainy day books” and “don’t sweat the small stuff” books with cute little sayings and quotes to make us feel better, and I’m not knocking them! I have a few and I like them a lot! But this one seems like it was made just for me! I’m very excited to see the new ways that I can fight this thing! The more weapons in my arsenal the better! (Sorry, that was a lot of exclamation points.)
I’m still wondering what my purpose is for my trich, and I once thought that I was supposed to write a book. I’m still praying for God to show me what he wants me to do with this. Anyway, below is the excerpt from “Pearls”:
Recognizing – and honoring – the bear in the doorway
Today I seek new pathways.
My trich was like a big Grizzly Bear:
bigger than me, able to swat me down, chew me up
and spit me out – it beat me every time I engaged in the fight.
It stood in the “doorway” to all I wanted.
I have come to understand
that I had been focused on fighting my way -
THROUGH the bear, and thus hopefully attaining freedom.
Now I sit back; I no longer fight the bear.
I honor that the bear is bigger than me,
can outdo all my maneuvering.
I honor the bear; I no longer fight.
I simply open myself up to a new pathway
that the bear is not guarding.
There are pathways all around me!
I was too busy to see them before.
I am free.
And the bear sleeps in that doorway, long behind me.
~ It is easier to stay out than to get out ~
June 16, 2010
I’m here
I’m sorry (to the two of you that read this) for not posting in a while. Again, if I’m not doing well, I tend to not write so as not to be held accountable. :/ Not a good approach, I know.
After not pulling for a few weeks after Easter, I fell again to temptation and am now at square one again. The positive things I look at (so as not to fall into complete dispair) are that my legs look good (not really any scabs from pulling) and my arms are starting to look better. But that’s not good enough.
Lately I’ve been feeling that I need to make some changes in myself. Concentrating on both the “usual” stuff and new issues. Obviously I want to stop pulling. I also want to start being more “green” and want to eat and live healthier. I’m inspired by you (Steph and Amber), of who I am completely jealous, and I’m so grateful God put you in my path.
I will go into more detail in some following posts, but please pray that God continues to strengthen me so that I can resist Satan’s temptation, which has been more present lately since starting this Bible study. The closer I get to God, the harder Satan tries to pull me down. I have started carrying my “Sword” with me: spiritually the Word of God, literally spiral-bound notecards. (I even decorated the front with a piece of scrapbook paper that had a knight and his Sword on it.) Inside on the first few cards are the memory verses from my Bible study; starting with the last card and moving forward are verses I like that keep me focused on my goal of not pulling. They are my “Sword”, my weapon, against temptation. I carry it in my purse. I like it a lot and hope it WORKs more for me.
“Take the helmet of salvation and he sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” -Eph. 6:17
April 8, 2010
God Has Big Ears
He listened.
Well, I asked. And He answered.
The background:
I haven’t been doing too well in terms of my pulling. Sunday night (Easter Sunday, I might add), I was laying in bed, TV muted, reading, while Derek was getting ready for work. He came over to the bed and sat down next to me and asked if we could talk. I said yes. He elaborated; he wanted to talk about “my pulling”. I took a deep breath (I usually get defensive right away because I feel like I‘m being attacked since this has been a part of me for so long) and said Ok. Now, Derek is a very, very easy-going person. Very calm, doesn’t really get emotional (due to his line of work, he’s very desensatized to a lot of things), very practical and reasonable. So for him to say something that’s on his mind, I know it has to have been bothering him. He tells me that my pulling is negatively effecting his overall happiness. That the pulling has to stop. It can’t continue. I’m starting to jeoporadize his peace. Now, he said these things in as nice a way as possible; he wasn’t mean at all. I cried because I didn’t like hearing it, but not because he was wrong and approached it wrong. So I promised him I would stop; knowing in my head that I CAN stop because there’s really no excuse anymore. I’m aware of my pulling vertually every time I’m doing it these days. So I can stop. Derek said he had been praying about this lately and praying about how to approach me. That touched me. I love him very much. So he left for work.
I turned out the lights, turned off the tv, opened the blinds, sat down next to the bed (so I could see outside and I could see the sky), and just cried. And prayed. I just cried out for God to take this from me. That I know that all those people in the Bible had to do was ask and He obliged. I wanted Him to take this and I wanted to just fill the void that my head believes it leaves with Him. I don’t want to fall into temptation with satan anymore. I want to be a complete follower and child of God. I mean, how would God feel if I praised him one second, then turned around and hung out with satan the next? I don’t want to do that anymore. I just cried and begged and prayed until I felt a kind of blanket wrap around me. I remembered a post that my friend had written about not just asking God, but LISTENING to his answer (if there is one at that time). So I asked God also to help me listen and to help me hear what he wants to say. I didn’t get a clear answer, but I did feel so much better.
And I still do. I’m 3 days with no pulling and I don’t really feel the need or want to pull at all. A few times my hands have wandered but not as often as they did maybe a few years ago. And I’ve caught myself. I finally asked. With my whole heart, and He answered.
Happy Easter indeed.
March 23, 2010
Ask
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” ~Mark 11:24
